Day One: This is me

First and foremost, thank you for joining me here at Coffee and Cigarettes Journal. I actually used to use “Coffee and Cigarettes” as a blog title back when Myspace was still a thing. I started this as a new coping mechanism and form of expression since I’ve lost my other ways of expression, i.e. music. Also , I write poetry which in the past I have used as lyrics in a band I used to be the frontman for. I may share some of that here as well, but my primary focus is to do journal like entries since I haven’t really written in that format since I was a kid. Here goes nothing.

So a little introduction is probably in need of being done here so I’ll start off by saying my name is Brandon. I’m about to be 25 years old, as of August 24th. I’ve been writing, creatively, since I was about 11 years old or so. I started as a way to vent and empty my mind of many stressers as well as a way to express excitement or feeling. I’m not like most men. I know that’s something most men say for sure, but I’ve been told this countless times due to my blessing/curse of feeling more than most other men I’ve been around. Every woman I’ve ever dated has said something along these lines to me. I’m pretty much a “Ted Mosby.” I search for “the one” in all the wrong places at all the right times, it seems. I wait for the “Meet me in Montauk” scene to happen to me after every failed relationship. I love more than I should. I share my heart more than I should. I hurt more than I should. In no way am I going to claim that I am some perfect saint or gentleman, by any means. I’ve hurt people. I’ve hurt A LOT of people. I’ve went way outside of my own values and morals many times, and more than likely I will do it again. None of us are perfect, but it’s not an excuse either. I will say this though. I will do my damnedest to be the best man I can be.

So one thing in particular that I want to focus on today is the grieving process. For me, I’m grieving many things. I just moved 800 miles away from my home to be with family and, to be quite honest, escape the pain that haunts me daily and nightly as I lie down to sleep. I was in a relationship. I know…..typical heartbreak bullshit bullshit bullshit…..get over it….you’re young……blah blah blah, but what I say to that is listen. Everyone and some point in time experiences what they believe to be a huge turning point in life. I’ve been told that it leads to bigger and better things, to a destiny if you will. I’ve been to the point in the past few months where I’ve struggled more with depression and anxiety. I’ve changed many of my outlooks, questioned my beliefs, and messed up even more already just trying to deal with my feelings. I miss my friends also. It’s been lonely not having them around as support. I miss having that sense of community where I could be myself and it’s okay. Most people would tell me to go to a church. Honestly, most churches suck. I’ll just say it. I believe in God, but not your typical fire and brimstone bullshit. And yes, I can say shit, damn, ass, or even the word fuck. They’re words. There are much worse things to focus on and worry about in the world.  I guess this is one of the main points I want to share or get across today…..you’re not alone. Even though it’s one hell of a cliché, it’s the damn truth. I want to encourage people to be honest, vulnerable, real. That’s my blog for today, people. I’m not sure how often I’ll do this, but if anyone has any suggestions on topics or anything at all really, leave me something in the comments section.

Thanks for your time and much love,

Brandon

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