Beautiful Words for No One:nextphaseofhealing

I never thought I’d miss the sound of your breath 

The way you tossed

The way you turned 

Or the way you laughed

But then you left
You left me with everything and nothing all at once
You don’t know

You don’t even know 
And God, I’ve missed you 

And I miss the mountains

That held me close

Like I once did for you
For once I’d like to know how it feels to win

To win and to not have to fight for my heart again
But here I am 

Almost 1000 miles away writing you a letter you’ll never read

And I’ll never sing a single syllable of it out loud but I’ll think about it all the time
It’d go a little bit like this
I’m not afraid of the dark, I’m afraid of what I can see

I still feel you

With every step I take
I feel you everywhere
And I’d give all my organs twice just to make sure you’d survive 

Most importantly, my heart so it could beat for you again
You always haunt my dreams


numero dos

old show pic

me circa 2011 in Chattnooga, TN (Axiom)

Hey there you beautiful people. Just thought I’d check in and say hey. There’s a few things I wanted to cover today.

  1. Love
  2. Religion and Spiritual beliefs
  3. This badass song from this badass band 

1. love –noun \ˈləv\

: a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person

: attraction that includes sexual desire : the strong affection felt by people who have a romantic relationship

: a person you love in a romantic way

So this “love” thing we all live and die for, it’s a rare and difficult thing to legitimately come across these days. We see “examples” of it daily, whether it be on television, in public, or right in front of our very eyes. When you love gets a hold of you, it catches your full attention. You never want to let go. It’s a reason to get up in the morning. We express love toward many beings: our family, our friends, our pets, or significant others (for those that have one of those things.) We express love in many ways, shapes, and forms. It’s all unique in it’s own crazy way.

We hug. We kiss. We dance. We sing. We write. We speak. We work. We touch. We sweat. We cry. We bleed. We breathe.

It’s a crazy wonderful thing, but there’s a few flaws in the way we do it today as there always is and will be.

We aren’t honest, vulnerable, or real. We aren’t up front with what we want or even worse, we don’t even know what the hell that is. It’s okay though. Just communicate the best you can. We have hands, mouths, ears, and minds to do that with. Take your pick.

We will fail though. It’s in our blood, but we can bounce back. We can overcome. Deal with it first though. Sweeping it under the rug should not be the option. Cry, scream, mourn, write it out, work it off, etc. DO SOMETHING!

2. Religion and Spiritual beliefs

We all believe in something, even if that’s the absence of anything even being there (for my atheist friends out there obviously, and yes they’re people too so deal with it.)

I’ve been raised to be pretty conservative for the most part. All odds were in the favor of me either being Catholic, due to my christening as an infant, or being a Southern Baptist. Neither one of these are really a subscription of mine. I am a Christian, and as I stated last week, I’m not a typical believer. I believe in gay marriage and rights, gender equality (yes that even includes transgender people), race equality, and I even have questions about the bible and anything and everything related to God and Jesus Christ. That’s right people. I’m a human. Even though I have faith, which I question off and on throughout my life, I have questions because I was born with a mind and free will. I don’t think any of us will know the full truth about any of it until our dying day, which is why I’m willing to listen to the perspectives of others. My main thing is that we need to love each other. We’re going to fight. We’re going to want to hate with everything in us. It’s up to us and God to work this out. Let’s do it. Also, if you don’t believe in God, then I still respect you and will even drink a beer with you. Hell, I’ll drink a beer with anyone though.

Anyways, a few sweet things I’d like to plug in here for you peeps to check out because I found it to be awesome, anyways.


3. because I mentioned their song earlier.

Peace out!

last night

Day One: This is me

First and foremost, thank you for joining me here at Coffee and Cigarettes Journal. I actually used to use “Coffee and Cigarettes” as a blog title back when Myspace was still a thing. I started this as a new coping mechanism and form of expression since I’ve lost my other ways of expression, i.e. music. Also , I write poetry which in the past I have used as lyrics in a band I used to be the frontman for. I may share some of that here as well, but my primary focus is to do journal like entries since I haven’t really written in that format since I was a kid. Here goes nothing.

So a little introduction is probably in need of being done here so I’ll start off by saying my name is Brandon. I’m about to be 25 years old, as of August 24th. I’ve been writing, creatively, since I was about 11 years old or so. I started as a way to vent and empty my mind of many stressers as well as a way to express excitement or feeling. I’m not like most men. I know that’s something most men say for sure, but I’ve been told this countless times due to my blessing/curse of feeling more than most other men I’ve been around. Every woman I’ve ever dated has said something along these lines to me. I’m pretty much a “Ted Mosby.” I search for “the one” in all the wrong places at all the right times, it seems. I wait for the “Meet me in Montauk” scene to happen to me after every failed relationship. I love more than I should. I share my heart more than I should. I hurt more than I should. In no way am I going to claim that I am some perfect saint or gentleman, by any means. I’ve hurt people. I’ve hurt A LOT of people. I’ve went way outside of my own values and morals many times, and more than likely I will do it again. None of us are perfect, but it’s not an excuse either. I will say this though. I will do my damnedest to be the best man I can be.

So one thing in particular that I want to focus on today is the grieving process. For me, I’m grieving many things. I just moved 800 miles away from my home to be with family and, to be quite honest, escape the pain that haunts me daily and nightly as I lie down to sleep. I was in a relationship. I know…..typical heartbreak bullshit bullshit bullshit…..get over it….you’re young……blah blah blah, but what I say to that is listen. Everyone and some point in time experiences what they believe to be a huge turning point in life. I’ve been told that it leads to bigger and better things, to a destiny if you will. I’ve been to the point in the past few months where I’ve struggled more with depression and anxiety. I’ve changed many of my outlooks, questioned my beliefs, and messed up even more already just trying to deal with my feelings. I miss my friends also. It’s been lonely not having them around as support. I miss having that sense of community where I could be myself and it’s okay. Most people would tell me to go to a church. Honestly, most churches suck. I’ll just say it. I believe in God, but not your typical fire and brimstone bullshit. And yes, I can say shit, damn, ass, or even the word fuck. They’re words. There are much worse things to focus on and worry about in the world.  I guess this is one of the main points I want to share or get across today…’re not alone. Even though it’s one hell of a cliché, it’s the damn truth. I want to encourage people to be honest, vulnerable, real. That’s my blog for today, people. I’m not sure how often I’ll do this, but if anyone has any suggestions on topics or anything at all really, leave me something in the comments section.

Thanks for your time and much love,